blog much??

Wow, I need to be more consistent with my postings :) Well, it has been almost a year since my last posting, so let's catch up...I have been working on my prerequisite classes for the nursing program and have been doing pretty well in my classes. I have 1 prereq left to take in the fall and a few more history classes to finish up my degree so I will finally be able to graduate with something, even if it is a useless hsitory degree :) Once my last prereq class is completed, I can then begin the application process for some nursing programs. I am applying here in Chico and at schools closer to home and keeping my fingers crossed that I can get in on my first try. Hopefully I won't have to wait too long!

I was promoted to stockroom manager back in February and it has been fun getting familiar with my new position. I love the added responsibility and projects that I get to do!

This summer has been fun so far. I've been playing in the sun and enjoying the outdoors and the company of my amazing friends and family. The first camping trip of the season is in the books, too. We went to Mineral/ Burney Falls this past weekend. What a sight!! The falls were amazing! It was so nice to unplug and remove myself and relax in some cooler weather!!

Well, that's it for now I guess. I'll try to blog more often to keep everyone updated, but dont hold your breath ;) xoxo

new happenings...

so since ive started on my new eating plan and exercise regimen, ive lost about 12 lbs in 4 weeks. i feel so great about that accomplishment! i have been working more at vans since the back-to-school season has officially begun! its been kinda crazy, but i like it that way bc it makes the shifts go by faster :) i am working the next 7 days in a row and then its off to az!! so excited to see the sisters and the rest of the fam, who we only see maybe once a year. all of us cousins are camping out in the backyard which is going to be awesome! the last time all 6 of us were together there were tons of pics, a few funny midnight videos, lots of laughs and giggles! and since we will be outside, we dont have to worry about waking anyone up :) omgoodness, i cannot wait for next weekend! i just have to survive 7 more days of b-t-s madness first. ive been looking into schools in seattle. i really want to move there and see whats its like to live in a big city. ever since we went there on our spring break trip, i cant get it out of my head. i absolutely fell in love with that place! if i cant move there for school, if its just not in the cards, im going to make it happen after i graduate. which will be never if i keep changing my major like ive been doing. but i think this is it, i think this is the last time im going to change my major. nursing, final answer. what do ya think? think ill make a good nurse? i was also thinking about becoming a nurse anesthetist (sp?). i think it would be cool to be able to do that and to see some pretty cool surgeries as well :) and they make a TON of money! :) so anyways, let me know what u think of my new life plan.... becoming a nurse, moving to seattle, starting over, maybe finding true happiness :) well i guess thats it for now.

big scale spectacular

so i was thinking yesterday, "what am i doing with my life?" i mean, i work at vans, im not doing anything special with my summer vacation, what am i doing? i want to do something meaningful with my life, and right now i feel like its wasting away right before my eyes. i got a reminder from one of my coworkers that im only in this phase of my life to get me to the next phase (which im hoping will be way better than this phase!) but it still made me think. i want to do something spectacular with my life and so far...nothing. im nervous for the future because i'm not exactly sure what i want to do for the rest of my life, and its scary to think that the career i choose is what im going to be doing for the rest of my life! its so daunting! i want to make a difference in this world, make a difference to a lot of people, make a difference for me, make me feel like my life was worthwhile adn not just a blob of ordinary days. i want to travel and see the world and leave an impression wherever i go. i would like to take a year off and travel and do something, but i have no money and i feel like i cant afford to take a year off from school. im starting to feel the pressure to graduate. im 23 already and everyone around me is graduating and moving on to the next phase of their lives and im still here, starting over. im ok with starting over, im just not sure im ok with the timing. on my current path and school plan, i wont be done with school til im 27. just entering the work force and the real world at 27? i feel like im behind. and if i change things up again, its gonna be even longer than that. im scared that im not 100% sure of what i want to do for the rest of my life. im scared that im making a mistake, and i dont have super strong convictions about the work that im doing. i mean, annie knew what she wanted to do since the time she was 8. dad knew what he wanted to do and he was passionate enough to finish it, and he LO VES going to work everyday. he told me that this was one of the reasons why he was put on this earth. i dont have these feelings about my future. im not sure of anything and that scares me. i want to do something spectacular with my life, and right now i dont feel very spectacular.and i want it to be something big, not just spectacular to my parents bc everything i do is spectacular to them, ya know? i want a lot of people to think my work is spectacular and brilliant and helpful! any suggestions? and i feel like i need to figure this out quickly becaus ei dont want to waste any more time. i want to find what im supposed to do, and then do it. the sooner i figure it out, the sooner i can get to work, the sooner i can start helping people, the sooner i can make a difference in this bleak world.

so since i've stopped competing and training every day for track, my body has changed...a lot. at first it was just a little, and i wasn't happy about it but i could deal with it. but now it has been getting worse and it sucks! i have noticed the extra weight in my face, mid-section and legs. and this isn't helping my single social life :( i have been battling with my weight for as long as i can remember, and i've never been totally happy with my body, but since i've been in college and on the track team i had learned to accept it and was starting to be ok with it. i knew that i needed some size to do what i did, sometimes mass is a good thing for a thrower. and all my friends were in the same boat as i was. and somehow we were all comfortable with each other and we were ok with our bodies when we were together. but now that i'm not with them all the time and i have gained a bunch of weight, i am soooooo not ok with my body anymore! for so long, most of my life actually, i put up this tough-guy front for everyone and tried to justify my weight and my attitude to myself by telling myself that people who look at me expect this type of personality from someone my size. i needed to be tough to keep the kids at school from teasing me, i needed to be tough because i had 2 little sisters who were looking up to me to hold things together, i needed to be tough for my mom, i needed to be tough to survive high school, then it was more to uphold the reputation of tough-guy bitch that i had made for myself. i thought if i distanced myself from the kids at school then they couldn't make fun of me, that couldn't hurt me. then in college i needed to be tough because i was out on my own and i needed to learn how to live life without mom and dad. i needed to be tough to keep up with my teammates, and to keep up with my competition in our little throwers world. i needed to be tough to hide my bitter past and try to reinvent myself. well i cant be tough anymore!! i cant do it anymore. i want to learn about the softer side of me, i want to be smaller and daintier and capable of more feelings. i need to let go of my hard shell and expose myself for who i am and not who everyone else thinks i should be. i feel like my weight has held me back my whole life and i don't want it to stop me anymore. but i need help, i feel like i can't do it on my own. everytime i do something good or successful i feel like i sabotage myself. i'll go to the gym for a few days and then i'll come up with reasons not to go or why im to busy to go. i've been doing great the last few days and then today i blow it and eat pizza and breadsticks. and the worst part is, once i'm done eating or when i'm lying in bed at night after a day of not going to the gym i feel guilty. then i get bummed out and pissed off at myself and then i get all depressed and don't want to do anything. then i'm right back where i started. i am having trouble sticking with it and motivating myself to get up and make good choices throughout the day and go to the gym and change my life. and i feel like maybe i could do it now, but what about once school starts? my schedule isn't going to be wide open anymore. i'll have class, and work, and homework,...i never understood how i could manage all that and track practice. i need to get back into the routine of working out everyday but i have no driving force. when i was on the team, i had to go to practice everyday to be able to compete and to get better in my events. but now what? i have no conference meet to train for, no nationals mark to strive to hit. so what's the point? i need someone pushing me everyday and a goal to work towards. sometimes this is why i wished i lived at home, so i could have the supposrt of my parents, someone to push me everyday, to ask me about my workout, to make me accountable. for some reason, i'm not enough. i seem to have no willpower, no motivation, and i can't hold myself accountable for this. why the hell not? thats my question! if i want to change, why can't i make it happen for myself? ....well, now that i spilled my life story and the reasons why i am the way that i am, i think that is enough for today. if you have any suggestions to help me with my journey, please let me know. i can use all the help i can get.

a whole lotta nuthin...

so it recently came to my attention that it has been a while since i've written. now that i am out of school for the summer, i have more time to post some blogs. sooo...the end of school was awful and i'm so glad its over! i'm just working and being bored over my summer break. i've been looking for a second job ang i'm hoping that something pans out soon. i need the moolah! so not much else going on right now. i have started reading again for fun, its nice to be able to enjoy the reading rather than drudging through school readings. loving the weather right now, not too hot during the days and its cooling down nicely at night...wow my life is so lame right now that i have resorted to talking about the weather...wow. ya so, nothing too exciting. maybe i'll write again soon, hopefully something exciting happens so i wont have to write about the weather all summer :)

new semester...

Sorry I haven't written in a while, there hasn't been much to say. School started up again last week. I'm going to have an awesome semester, minus physiology! I am taking yoga and tennis which should be good for me to keep my weight down, and a backpacking class that I am so excited about. It will better prepare me for my epic journey coming up next summer :) I am also taking an intro to sports medicine and athletic training class taught by one of the trainers that I know so that will be a fun and interesting class.
Other than that, I'm trying to work as much as possible and save my money. My roommate and a bunch of friends from her work started a weight loss challenge which I decided to join. Everyone throws in $20 and has 6 weeks to do whatever they want to lose weight. After the 6 weeks, whoever has lost the biggest percentage of weight wins the pot. So I'm looking forward to that, it started yesterday. We will see what the next 6 weeks bring. My roomie bought a wii fit so we have been using that as well to get in shape. It's really fun and sometimes you forget you're even working out :) I am also going to be working out so I can get into shape for my class backpacking trip in April.
Gail came up last weekend to visit and we had a blast! I love hanging out with her and we always have a good time. We hung out at the house part of the time, and did some shopping (which was very successful :)). It was sad to see her go and the weekend come to a close because that menat it was back to the grindstone and back to school for another week :(
This coming weekend is our track alumni dinner which I am really looking forward to. We are celebrating the pioneering women of track and field and of the Chico State track program. We are going to have some wonderful guest speakers from what I hear. My coach is giving a little speech and he is mentioning my name and the record I broke last season, so I am excited to hear it! It will be a great night catching up with my old teammates and hearing stories from the past. I am excited to get to meet some of Chico's former athletes and hear what they have to say.
Well, that's about it for now. I'll keep you posted if anything else pops up in my life. ttfn :)

A Life's Accomplishment

So I'm just gonna write here, thinking out loud really...so bear with me. I watched "Julie & Julia" tonight with my roommate and it really got me thinking. This woman took something that she liked to do and she did it everyday for a year. She actually completed something for the first time in her life. It made me think that i could do something like that too. Like what tho?? thats the big question. I have set out to do many things in my life and I don't feel like I have accomplished much, besides track. But for some reason, I don't feel like that counts. I don't know why. Anyways, I want to do something with my life, and I want to do something big. Then one day I can look back and be proud that I at least accomplished something. Or I can have a really good story to tell my kids, or my colleagues or whoever is willing to listen. Who knows, maybe it will make a good first date story lol. So, I have been thinking the last few days about making a grand trip. I of course need to plan well and train hard to get into prime condition for this trip. I need to find a buddy to come along for the ride, because my dad insists I cannot do this trip alone. This is going to be a very personal, very exhausting (both physically and emotionally) trip tho so I would need someone who is close to me, who understands the reasons why I am doing this, who understands me (perhaps better than I understand myself), and who accepts all of this craziness! As of now, I have no idea who this person will be or when I will find them. So for now, my trip will stay in the planning stages and I will work hard to be prepared for the day this trip finally takes place. And now, to ease your anticipation, the destination of this trip....I want to hike the Pacific Crest Trail, or at least as much of it as I can in one summer. Eventually I want to hike the entire 2,650 miles. But for now, maybe just a piece of it. My original plpan was to set out next summer and take a month or the whole summer, depending on finances, to hike as much of it as I can. And then the next summer, or fall break, pick up where I left off and continue on the trail. I know this is an ambitious dream and it will take lots of hard work to train and prepare but I think it would be the accomplishment of a lifetime (or at least my lifetime) to say that I took on the Pacific Crest Trail and that I conquered it! So if anyone is with me, then jump on board! If anyone has any tips or advice, I will gladly take them. I am going to need all the help I can get!

P.S. Thanks for listening :)