so since i've stopped competing and training every day for track, my body has changed...a lot. at first it was just a little, and i wasn't happy about it but i could deal with it. but now it has been getting worse and it sucks! i have noticed the extra weight in my face, mid-section and legs. and this isn't helping my single social life :( i have been battling with my weight for as long as i can remember, and i've never been totally happy with my body, but since i've been in college and on the track team i had learned to accept it and was starting to be ok with it. i knew that i needed some size to do what i did, sometimes mass is a good thing for a thrower. and all my friends were in the same boat as i was. and somehow we were all comfortable with each other and we were ok with our bodies when we were together. but now that i'm not with them all the time and i have gained a bunch of weight, i am soooooo not ok with my body anymore! for so long, most of my life actually, i put up this tough-guy front for everyone and tried to justify my weight and my attitude to myself by telling myself that people who look at me expect this type of personality from someone my size. i needed to be tough to keep the kids at school from teasing me, i needed to be tough because i had 2 little sisters who were looking up to me to hold things together, i needed to be tough for my mom, i needed to be tough to survive high school, then it was more to uphold the reputation of tough-guy bitch that i had made for myself. i thought if i distanced myself from the kids at school then they couldn't make fun of me, that couldn't hurt me. then in college i needed to be tough because i was out on my own and i needed to learn how to live life without mom and dad. i needed to be tough to keep up with my teammates, and to keep up with my competition in our little throwers world. i needed to be tough to hide my bitter past and try to reinvent myself. well i cant be tough anymore!! i cant do it anymore. i want to learn about the softer side of me, i want to be smaller and daintier and capable of more feelings. i need to let go of my hard shell and expose myself for who i am and not who everyone else thinks i should be. i feel like my weight has held me back my whole life and i don't want it to stop me anymore. but i need help, i feel like i can't do it on my own. everytime i do something good or successful i feel like i sabotage myself. i'll go to the gym for a few days and then i'll come up with reasons not to go or why im to busy to go. i've been doing great the last few days and then today i blow it and eat pizza and breadsticks. and the worst part is, once i'm done eating or when i'm lying in bed at night after a day of not going to the gym i feel guilty. then i get bummed out and pissed off at myself and then i get all depressed and don't want to do anything. then i'm right back where i started. i am having trouble sticking with it and motivating myself to get up and make good choices throughout the day and go to the gym and change my life. and i feel like maybe i could do it now, but what about once school starts? my schedule isn't going to be wide open anymore. i'll have class, and work, and homework,...i never understood how i could manage all that and track practice. i need to get back into the routine of working out everyday but i have no driving force. when i was on the team, i had to go to practice everyday to be able to compete and to get better in my events. but now what? i have no conference meet to train for, no nationals mark to strive to hit. so what's the point? i need someone pushing me everyday and a goal to work towards. sometimes this is why i wished i lived at home, so i could have the supposrt of my parents, someone to push me everyday, to ask me about my workout, to make me accountable. for some reason, i'm not enough. i seem to have no willpower, no motivation, and i can't hold myself accountable for this. why the hell not? thats my question! if i want to change, why can't i make it happen for myself? ....well, now that i spilled my life story and the reasons why i am the way that i am, i think that is enough for today. if you have any suggestions to help me with my journey, please let me know. i can use all the help i can get.

a whole lotta nuthin...

so it recently came to my attention that it has been a while since i've written. now that i am out of school for the summer, i have more time to post some blogs. sooo...the end of school was awful and i'm so glad its over! i'm just working and being bored over my summer break. i've been looking for a second job ang i'm hoping that something pans out soon. i need the moolah! so not much else going on right now. i have started reading again for fun, its nice to be able to enjoy the reading rather than drudging through school readings. loving the weather right now, not too hot during the days and its cooling down nicely at night...wow my life is so lame right now that i have resorted to talking about the weather...wow. ya so, nothing too exciting. maybe i'll write again soon, hopefully something exciting happens so i wont have to write about the weather all summer :)